नकोरिएकी फुली

आज फुली को नया जीवन को सुरुवात हुन  जादै छ। साच्चै भन्न पर्दा यो नया सुरुवात  हिजो बाटै भईसकेको छ। फुली एउटी डाएरी। आफ्नी अरु दिदिबहिनी , साथिसंगी हरु संग फुली एउटा पसल को एउटा सिसा भित्र को दराज मा  बसेकि। दिनदिनै कति फुली जस्तै डाएरीहरु आफ्नो नया मालिक संग  मक्ख पर्दै जान्थे। हरेक दिन फुली दराज बाट  बाहिर हेर्थि, कसैले उसलाई पनि मन पराएर लिएर जान्छ कि भन्ने आश मा। कुवा को भ्यगुता जस्तै फुली को संसार तेहि दराज थियो। आज फुलीलाई सुबोधले लिएर जादै छ। हिजो सुबोधको चौधौ जन्मदिन। ऊ उस्को आमा संग आएको थियो। झन्डै सुबोधलाई माथि खण्डकि पेमा पो मनपरेको। उसले त पेमालाई हात मा पनि लिसकेको, तर उसकी आमा ले हुदैन त्यो अलि धेरै महँगो छ भनेपछि बल्ल सुबोधले फुली लाई छानेको त। अईले सोच्दा पनि फुलीलाई थक्क थक्क लाग्छ। ऊ झन्डै यो दुनिया बाट बाहिर निस्किन नपाएकी। सुबोधले उसलाई हेरेर मुस्कुराएर हुन्छ भनेपछि बल्ल अलि ढुक्क भएकी थि फुली। आज चै हिजो नया मालिक पाएका अरु साथिसंगी डाएरी हरु संग झिलझिले कागजमा बेरिएर फुली आफ्नो मालिक सुबोधको घर जान ठिक्क परेकी छे ।
 शायद मालिकहरुले फुली जस्ता डाएरी किनेर लग्दा उनीहरुलाई पनि थाहा हुदैन डाएरीमा कस्तो खाल को जादू हुन्छ भनेर, मालिक हरुले ल केवल आफ्नो मनमा लागेको, कसैलाई सुनाउन नसकेको भावना हरु कोर्ने गर्छन डाएरीमा, आफ्नो सम्झेर सब कुरा भन्ने गर्छन, तर तिनीहरुलाई सुरुमै थाहा हुदैन डाएरीले उनीहरुको कुरा सुन्ने मात्र हैन कि आफ्नो जादुले उनीहरु दुखि हुदा खुशी पनि गर्न  सक्छन भनेर। डाएरीलाई आफ्नो मनको कुरा सुनाउना  थालेपछि तनाव बाट मुक्ति पाएका कति मालिकहरु फुलीको साहुलाई सुनाउन आएको कुरा आफै देखेकीछ फुलीले। कहिले कहिले त मालिकको झोलामा बसेर पुराना दिदिबहिनी , साथिसंगी पनि आउछन पसलमा, आ-आफ्नो हालखबर सुनाउछन।
कोहिकोहि मालिकहरु चाहि आफ्नो डाएरीले अरुलाई आफ्नो कुरा सुनौलान कि भनेर डराऊछन पनि। हुन पनि कति डाएरीले त जसले पढ्न खोज्यो तेस्लाई देखाई दिन्छन पनि आफ्नो मालिकले तेस्तो विश्वास गरेर कोरेको कुरा हरु। तर फुली तेस्ती छैन, उसमा झन् अरुमा भन्दा फरक गुण छ एउटा, ऊ साचोले मात्र खुल्छे र त्यो साचो उसको मालिकले  अरुलाई दिने त कुरै  छैन। त्येसैले फुली खुशी भएर मालिकको घर जाने प्रतिक्ष्या गर्दैछे।
कति बेर कुरेपछि फुली आइपुगी सुबोधको कोठामा, र कतिओटा फुलीजस्तै झिलझिले कागजहरुमा बेरिएका सामानहरुलाई सुबोधले आफ्नो आफ्नो ठाउँमा राख्यो पनि। आफूलाई टेबुलमा राख्ला भन्ने सोचेकिथी फुलीले तर  उसलाई किताब राख्ने दराजमा पो थन्क्यायो त। सुबोधले आफूसंग राख्नुपर्ने साचो पनि अझै फुली संगै छ। ठिकै  छ नि त आज थाकेको होला सुबोध, भोली त पक्कै म संग बोल्नेछ सुबोध भनेर फुली ढुक्क भै। तर सुबोध भोलि पनि बोल्न आएन, पर्सिपानी आएन, हुदा हुदा दुई महिना बिते, सुबोध अझै आएन। सुरुसुरु को दिनहरु त किन हतार गरेको मैले, मेरै मालिक त  हो नि भनेर फुलीले आफूलाई सम्झाई। दुई महिना बितेर उसमाथि धूलो जम्न थालेपछि भने फुली निक्कै आत्तीई। नकोरिएकी डाएरीहरुले कति आपहेलाना सहनुपर्छ डाएरीको समाजमा थाहा छ उसलाई। डाएरीको जादुई दुनियामा यस्तो कुरा लुकाएर पनि लुक्दैनन।
फुली लाई अब आफै माथि शंका लाग्न थाल्यो। सुबोधले सुरुमा पेमालाई रोजेको थियो, आफ्नो आमाले गर्दा मात्र फुली मा सहमत भएको। पेमालाई भन्थियो कि उसले आफ्नो कुराहरु, मलाई मात्र नभनेको हो कि भन्ने पनि लाग्यो। अनि फुली लाई याद आयो , अर्को हप्ता बाट बल्ल सुबोधको बिध्यालय बिदा सकिदैछ भनेर। अँ त है, सुबोध दिनभर घरमै खेलेर बस्छ, अईले के नै छ होला र सुबोधको तेस्तो मलाई भन्नुपर्ने कुरा, कसैलाई सुनाउन नमिल्ने भावना। अलिकति आशा जाग्यो फुली को मनमा। नभन्दै सुबोधको बिध्यालय खुलेको दिन सुबोधले फुलीलाई उठायो र आफूसंगै बिध्यालय लिएर गयो। आफूले आफैलाई गाली गरी फुलीले । हो त रैछ नि , अब त टन्न कुरा भनिहल्छ नि सुबोधले मलाई।
झोलाबाटै अरु झोलामा भएका डाएरीहरु संग कुरा गरि फुलीले। ऊ नकोरिएकी भनेर कसैले गिज्याएनन उसलाई, शायद सबलाई थाहा होला ऊ अब छिटै कोरिदैछे भनेर। तर अँह बिध्यालय खुलेको महिना दिन बित्दापनि सुबोधले केहि भनेन फुलीलाई। फुली अन्य डाएरीहरु संग बोल्नै छाडी, जिस्काउलन भन्ने डरले। मालिक पाएको चार महिनामा पनि फुलीलाई आफ्नो मालिकको कुनै भावना, कुनै गुनासो, कुनै अरुलाई थाहा नभएको कुरा थाहा भएन। मनमनै धिक्कारी फुलीले आफुलाई। कैले त रिष पनि उठ्यो सुबोध देखि, उस्लाई डाएरीमा कोर्नु नै थिएन भने किन लग्यो त फुलीलाई, डाएरीको मतलब त थाहा छ उसलाई, त्यो पसलमै बसेकी भए अरु कुनै नया मालिकले लग्थ्यो फुलीलाई, ऊ पछि उसका कति बहिनीहरुले नया मालिक पाइसकेका थिए, आ-आफ्नो मालिकको कुरा सुनेर उनिहरुलाई खुशी  बनाई सकेका थिए।
एक दिन सुबोधकी आमाले फुलीलाई खोल्नु भयो। फुलीलाई  खाली देखेर सुबोधलाई सोध्नुभयो। बल्ल पो रहस्य पत्ता लाग्यो फुलीलाई। सुबोधलाई त डाएरी कोर्नको लागि चहिएको होइन रैछ, उसको सबै साथीहरु संग डाएरी भएकोले पो चहिएको रैछ। आमा हास्नुभयो, यो डाएरीमा सुबोध भनेर नाम नलेखेको भए अर्को महिना सुशिलको ब्रतबन्धमा उपहार दिन त हुन्थियो भन्दै फुलीलाई दाराजको माथिको खण्डमा राखी दिनुभयो। फुली अहिले भएको ठाउमा त सुबोधको हात पनि पुग्दैन। फुलीमा धुलो जम्दैन आजकल, सुबोधलाई  पछि कुनै दिन उसमा कोर्न मन लाग्ला कि भनेर फुली अझै झिनो आशा लिएर बाची रहेकिछ।

Are you going crazy?

There are days you doubt everything around you, including your own sanity; second guessing every decision that has led you up to this point in life. If that is how you are feeling, you can certainly relate. Naturally you try placing your blames on somebody but deep down you know you are responsible for your own actions. And then comes the sensation that you are never going to get through this pitfall. Confusion engulfs you, you are unable to make the simplest decision. The smallest of inconveniences sets you off, you forget the words you are trying to speak, you just want to let go, scream it out, cry it out. If somebody would at this exact moment ask what you are doing, you would answer that you are contemplating your life and the universe and the supposed inter-connectivity between the two. Because what if not the cruel irony of the universe has led you to this point. You make so many mistakes you brand yourself a klutz, of course your mind is not into it. You doubt your heart, I do not feel that way now, did I ever, clearly your heart has changed its desire. You scold yourself for behaving like an irresponsible child. You know this is irreversible, there is no going back, no undoing it, you cannot go back to your past self, smack her in the head and try and talk some sense into it. 

Clearly they have not invented time travel up till my lifespan, today would be a good day for the future me to show up and assure me how it all worked out in the end after all. Considering that she did not show up during my great dilemma I am safely going to state that no such miracle is going to happen anytime soon. You have absolutely no idea what you want, comfort foods fail to lure you. Your favorite past time would drive you mad right now. Of course you cannot go around complain about the way you feel right now, because you are not sure how to describe it in a word, people would probably say you have taken leave of your senses. Yup,sound about right. maybe you have taken leave of your senses, but then you have enough sense to state how this mess is making you feel, in fact you are pretty sure you are uncomfortable. This is the surest you feel. You may have doubts about every other thing but you are tremendously clear that you are not comfortable. 

The other reason you cannot let any other living soul know you feel this way is because you would come across as an ungrateful little brat. Right now you have something that other people have prayed for and still not attained. maybe you yourself had wished for this to happen to you at some point. And now that it has, you are not sure this was best for you after all. God damn human nature. As my friend would say... F U human nature. Of course I am not one for swearing or being happy for that matter or satisfied. Yes that is the word, Unsatisfied. That is exactly what I am. By this time you probably have another line of thought going on inside your mind.. A continuous unanswered question... What am I going to do.... Of course the question has its variations... What the &*^% am I going to do myself... Why God why... what why what.. and you know yours...

Clearly I do not have an answer to that because I would not be here ranting my heart away if I did. Well actually I do feel a little better, maybe you could try ranting away too.

A Doll House

I don't remember the exact moment I wanted one, or when I stopped wanting one, but for a few months leading up to my 11th Birthday, I desperately wanted a doll house. Looking back at my life, 12 birthdays later, I can safely say that that doll house was the only demand my parents could not fulfill. I could blame my obsessive desire for a doll house on my expensive school which was full of rich kids. While we were never poor, and I never lacked anything and I knew I could not have everything my rich friends talked about, a doll house just had this impact on me.

So I had this friend who used to invite us to her house every weekend. An oven was an luxury item then, and a bread topped with melted cheese was the most delicious thing you could ever eat. So we went to her house every weekend, to eat the bread pizza and to play with her pink Barbie doll house. I had many dolls and stuffed toys of my own but never a Barbie. I thought dolls are dolls, and Barbie looks like just the other Chinese dolls you can get so cheaply. But it was like one of those cases in which when you have the taste of something newer, something better, something expensive, you can never look at the old cheaper thing again in the same light, you are bound to make a comparison and crave for the better newer thing. So it is only understandable that I would want to own better stuffs, not just a branded doll, but the whole Doll House, to play with whenever I wanted, to call them my own and may be even invite my friends over to play with.

I do not remember asking my parents for it, I do not remember if they told me or if my grandmother conveyed it to me, I just remember what happened next. My parents went looking to buy one for me, without knowing the price, without realizing how big it was, and after learning the truth about it, concluded that we could not afford it. I do not remember how I felt about it, probably heartbroken then. I remember in a desperate moment of longing asking one of my friends to give me their doll house as a birthday present and I remember a few weeks later her telling me that her doll house had gotten stolen so she could not give it to me or she would. Of course looking back at it, it embarrasses me now. And now I realise what an absolute waste of time and money that would have been. 

Instead my mother brought me books and lots of them. I remember that I owned the best story books and I was the object of everybody's envy when it came to books. I developed a habit of reading at an early age and in many ways I am glad I did. I topped all my English exams, I won certificates in every essay and story writing competitions and looking back I wonder if things would have been different if I had one doll house to play with.

What my True Statement of Purpose would be like

To,
The Consular,
High Commission,
Australian Embassy,
India.

Subject- Statement Of Purpose

Respected Sir/Madam,

I have been fortunate enough (or should I say unfortunate enough considering the circumstances) to be accepted by UTS, Australia for the course Masters in Engineering Management and I am now applying for a non-immigrant student visa for the Spring intake of 2014.

I want to make a difference in the field I work in. I want to make a name for myself that will not fade into oblivion. I'd probably have started my application with something like that if I had been the same person I was a couple of years ago. I did crave for fame and success above all once. I was proud of my accomplishment of graduating an Electrical and Electronics Engineer, major in Communication, without any fails; and I thrived of making a meaningful contribution to the telecommunication sector in my country. My bucket-list included making a name for myself to the point of one day being one of 50 ladies included each year as Naree women of the year in this magazine that awards women who have done some significant works in their respective fields. Looking back at that dream from where I am now has led me to realize how naive those dreams were and how I need to set more realistic and attainable goals.

I graduated about a year and half ago from Kathmandu University. Though the plans of it being a residential university were not carried out, in my year we did compulsorily have to stay in the hostel and so I did for four years. It was a domain on its own, secluded from the world outside. Located at Dhulikhel, it was far away from the pollution of the valley but not far enough to be completely cut off urbanization. Wonderful weather, walks in the nature and numerous sources of entertainment and good food within walking distance, along with my many friends. Those days were the days we dreamed big. We had no active responsibilities to speak for, money was not an issue as we were students and it was still okay to depend on our parents financially. Studies were our only concern and so we found a lot of time to imagine what life would be like after graduation, who would be the first one to land a job and where, how much would the jobs pay and where would be go for a post-graduate degree when the time came.

I cannot speak for all my friends but the real world started for me when I came back home after my finals. Then came the immense pressure of finding a job. Contrary to what I believed, nobody was looking to offer any kind of job to a freshly graduated engineer. There were no vacancies, no HR would look at my CV without prior work experience and there was no end to the competition that ensured if and when there was a job opening anywhere. The massive crowed of people on the streets, the endless traffic jams, the unnecessary honking from each and every vehicle while waiting for the traffic to change, not to mention the dust that enveloped the entire roads due to road expansions made it even more difficult for me to adjust to this life after graduation.

Word Porn

The more I browse through this site wordporn and read and understand the philosophical and spiritual stuffs said there, the more I believe that I am not normal. But that is the best part of it all, it says that it is more than okay to be crazy and no work of art has been accomplished till date without a slight hint of madness. 

And frankly I would hate to be with someone who pretends to be normal and who would make me as pretensions because for most people it is so very important to keep up appearances. It is like their whole life is spent pleasing somebody or the other by agreeing to things they feel the entire opposite of or just sucking up to somebody. Being unoriginal, being like everyone else, trying to mingle in the crowd.

So I have never had a problem fitting in. I am not so much of an introvert. I do not dread social interactions but I prefer to avoid them as far as possible. I am not anti-social, I have people I like to confide in. I just like to keep away from useless interactions and small talk.

And this picture is actually the reason I am ranting here. This is not a problem that I have faced. I read and I love reading. I may not be one of those girls completely absorbed in books who forgets to eat and sleep or forgets that a real world exists around her, but I know what it is like to travel to a whole different realm and imagine being with the characters in their world of fantasy.

I have always been proud of myself and I love myself just how I am. I am so thankful I am not a bimbo, I have the aptitude and openness for an intellectual conversation and a highly imaginative mind, and because of the way I look I am not an outcast.  Though the thought had never occurred to me before if I would be labelled a outcast because I prefer reading and spending time alone rather than talk to just about anyone who comes in front of me. I wonder if people would think I am more weird that they think I am now if I looked more bad. Bacause no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you try to change it, a girl will be judged by her looks first amongst other things. A friend of mine once said to me very honestly that trusting  a guy of loving me truly is more difficult for me than others because first of all I have to make sure it is not the looks that have attracted him. Of course I care about the way I look but my thoughts go deeper than that.

So I was just talking to another friend of mine about how important it is to be able to communicate with others without being afraid of saying how you feel and how intellectual and spiritual conversation is like comfort food for your soul, like a good book is to your mind. And one of my turn-ons is the two of you looking at a third person together and saying, preferably at the same time how he/she reminds you of somebody from this book that you've both read! Now that would be my kind of love-at-first-sight.

Zorro

I recently re watched one of my favorite childhood tv series Hip Hip Hurray and loved it again. It is about students from one high school in India and their many adventures, trials, the problems they face and how they overcome them, basically it is a coming-of-age story. 

So, it was not wrong of me to assume that I would like Kaiketsu Zorro, another one of my favorite childhood series, a Japanese English dubbed cartoon show. But I just did not like it. I remember the time everything about this show used to please me, so much as to the point of me developing a crush on the lead character Zorro. But this time around I thought Zorro was a cocky self-righteous weirdo who was just in the right place at the right time with the odds always in his favor. I even remember how the mysteries intrigued me, now I feel like every episode is pretty much the same! Some bad guy is doing something bad to some good guy/guys, the rest of the people around are just by-standers who do nothing to help the poor good guy/guys. At the nick of nick, just when something very bad is about to happen to the good guy/guys, enters Zorro. And the innocent by-standers go... Oh look its Zorro and the bad guy goes... What... Zorro!

And of course Zorro saves the good guy/guys. But since the army had branded him as a rebel, every episode ends with him being chased, unsuccessfully by the soldiers. 

Of course I cannot expect to be satisfied at this age with what what was my ideal show once when I was little but I cannot help but feel a little disappointed and also a little cheated for fantasizing about watching reruns of this show for so long! Oh, well, here's to hoping I fare better with Lizzie McGuire.

Gary Blauman

The final season of How I Met Your Mother.... I have loved this show but this season was a bit of a disappointment. A stretched scene, stretched stories and a limited timeline. The whole season is supposed to take place in a matter of weeks so I understand the limitations but I have such high expectations from this show specially this being the last season and all... Well there were some pretty bad episodes... the slap of  a million exploding suns and the bedtime stories one with the rhymes, I mean what were those! Of course there were perfect episodes like How your mother met me and Daisy. But all in all this season was a big damn disappointment!

And Gary Blauman was headed in the same direction. the stretchy bits with I... pause pause pause... love that guy. I.... pause pause pause... love that I can destroy that guy! The beginning of relationship between Ted and the mother was the only tolerable thing about that episode but then... HIMYM did it again... It turned the whole thing around and make us emotional! First it was this heart touching speech.... "And that is how it goes, the friends neighbours, drinking buddies, and partners in crime u love so much when you are young, as the years go by you just lose touch. You will be shocked when You'll discover how easy it is not in life to part ways with people forever. That's why when you find someone you wanna keep around you do somthing about it." and that kiss. I don't care if that was cheesy and I don't care if Ted is a big disaster but that kiss was perfect! And then since this is like one of the last ever episodes, HIMYM provided us closure about the other characters! Of course any HIMYM fan would love to know what happens to the other characters! Runjit has his own limo service and Zoey still fights for her causes. It melts my heart! I can never not love this show. I remember crying in almost every episode of Season 6. that was so sad! Robin crying in the subway, Marshall losing his dad. and Barney finding his father! I am pretty sure the finale will make me sob and the hole in my heart after this show is gone will take a long time to fill!