There are days you doubt everything around you, including your own sanity; second guessing every decision that has led you up to this point in life. If that is how you are feeling, you can certainly relate. Naturally you try placing your blames on somebody but deep down you know you are responsible for your own actions. And then comes the sensation that you are never going to get through this pitfall. Confusion engulfs you, you are unable to make the simplest decision. The smallest of inconveniences sets you off, you forget the words you are trying to speak, you just want to let go, scream it out, cry it out. If somebody would at this exact moment ask what you are doing, you would answer that you are contemplating your life and the universe and the supposed inter-connectivity between the two. Because what if not the cruel irony of the universe has led you to this point. You make so many mistakes you brand yourself a klutz, of course your mind is not into it. You doubt your heart, I do not feel that way now, did I ever, clearly your heart has changed its desire. You scold yourself for behaving like an irresponsible child. You know this is irreversible, there is no going back, no undoing it, you cannot go back to your past self, smack her in the head and try and talk some sense into it.
Clearly they have not invented time travel up till my lifespan, today would be a good day for the future me to show up and assure me how it all worked out in the end after all. Considering that she did not show up during my great dilemma I am safely going to state that no such miracle is going to happen anytime soon. You have absolutely no idea what you want, comfort foods fail to lure you. Your favorite past time would drive you mad right now. Of course you cannot go around complain about the way you feel right now, because you are not sure how to describe it in a word, people would probably say you have taken leave of your senses. Yup,sound about right. maybe you have taken leave of your senses, but then you have enough sense to state how this mess is making you feel, in fact you are pretty sure you are uncomfortable. This is the surest you feel. You may have doubts about every other thing but you are tremendously clear that you are not comfortable.
The other reason you cannot let any other living soul know you feel this way is because you would come across as an ungrateful little brat. Right now you have something that other people have prayed for and still not attained. maybe you yourself had wished for this to happen to you at some point. And now that it has, you are not sure this was best for you after all. God damn human nature. As my friend would say... F U human nature. Of course I am not one for swearing or being happy for that matter or satisfied. Yes that is the word, Unsatisfied. That is exactly what I am. By this time you probably have another line of thought going on inside your mind.. A continuous unanswered question... What am I going to do.... Of course the question has its variations... What the &*^% am I going to do myself... Why God why... what why what.. and you know yours...
Clearly I do not have an answer to that because I would not be here ranting my heart away if I did. Well actually I do feel a little better, maybe you could try ranting away too.
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