नकोरिएकी फुली

आज फुली को नया जीवन को सुरुवात हुन  जादै छ। साच्चै भन्न पर्दा यो नया सुरुवात  हिजो बाटै भईसकेको छ। फुली एउटी डाएरी। आफ्नी अरु दिदिबहिनी , साथिसंगी हरु संग फुली एउटा पसल को एउटा सिसा भित्र को दराज मा  बसेकि। दिनदिनै कति फुली जस्तै डाएरीहरु आफ्नो नया मालिक संग  मक्ख पर्दै जान्थे। हरेक दिन फुली दराज बाट  बाहिर हेर्थि, कसैले उसलाई पनि मन पराएर लिएर जान्छ कि भन्ने आश मा। कुवा को भ्यगुता जस्तै फुली को संसार तेहि दराज थियो। आज फुलीलाई सुबोधले लिएर जादै छ। हिजो सुबोधको चौधौ जन्मदिन। ऊ उस्को आमा संग आएको थियो। झन्डै सुबोधलाई माथि खण्डकि पेमा पो मनपरेको। उसले त पेमालाई हात मा पनि लिसकेको, तर उसकी आमा ले हुदैन त्यो अलि धेरै महँगो छ भनेपछि बल्ल सुबोधले फुली लाई छानेको त। अईले सोच्दा पनि फुलीलाई थक्क थक्क लाग्छ। ऊ झन्डै यो दुनिया बाट बाहिर निस्किन नपाएकी। सुबोधले उसलाई हेरेर मुस्कुराएर हुन्छ भनेपछि बल्ल अलि ढुक्क भएकी थि फुली। आज चै हिजो नया मालिक पाएका अरु साथिसंगी डाएरी हरु संग झिलझिले कागजमा बेरिएर फुली आफ्नो मालिक सुबोधको घर जान ठिक्क परेकी छे ।
 शायद मालिकहरुले फुली जस्ता डाएरी किनेर लग्दा उनीहरुलाई पनि थाहा हुदैन डाएरीमा कस्तो खाल को जादू हुन्छ भनेर, मालिक हरुले ल केवल आफ्नो मनमा लागेको, कसैलाई सुनाउन नसकेको भावना हरु कोर्ने गर्छन डाएरीमा, आफ्नो सम्झेर सब कुरा भन्ने गर्छन, तर तिनीहरुलाई सुरुमै थाहा हुदैन डाएरीले उनीहरुको कुरा सुन्ने मात्र हैन कि आफ्नो जादुले उनीहरु दुखि हुदा खुशी पनि गर्न  सक्छन भनेर। डाएरीलाई आफ्नो मनको कुरा सुनाउना  थालेपछि तनाव बाट मुक्ति पाएका कति मालिकहरु फुलीको साहुलाई सुनाउन आएको कुरा आफै देखेकीछ फुलीले। कहिले कहिले त मालिकको झोलामा बसेर पुराना दिदिबहिनी , साथिसंगी पनि आउछन पसलमा, आ-आफ्नो हालखबर सुनाउछन।
कोहिकोहि मालिकहरु चाहि आफ्नो डाएरीले अरुलाई आफ्नो कुरा सुनौलान कि भनेर डराऊछन पनि। हुन पनि कति डाएरीले त जसले पढ्न खोज्यो तेस्लाई देखाई दिन्छन पनि आफ्नो मालिकले तेस्तो विश्वास गरेर कोरेको कुरा हरु। तर फुली तेस्ती छैन, उसमा झन् अरुमा भन्दा फरक गुण छ एउटा, ऊ साचोले मात्र खुल्छे र त्यो साचो उसको मालिकले  अरुलाई दिने त कुरै  छैन। त्येसैले फुली खुशी भएर मालिकको घर जाने प्रतिक्ष्या गर्दैछे।
कति बेर कुरेपछि फुली आइपुगी सुबोधको कोठामा, र कतिओटा फुलीजस्तै झिलझिले कागजहरुमा बेरिएका सामानहरुलाई सुबोधले आफ्नो आफ्नो ठाउँमा राख्यो पनि। आफूलाई टेबुलमा राख्ला भन्ने सोचेकिथी फुलीले तर  उसलाई किताब राख्ने दराजमा पो थन्क्यायो त। सुबोधले आफूसंग राख्नुपर्ने साचो पनि अझै फुली संगै छ। ठिकै  छ नि त आज थाकेको होला सुबोध, भोली त पक्कै म संग बोल्नेछ सुबोध भनेर फुली ढुक्क भै। तर सुबोध भोलि पनि बोल्न आएन, पर्सिपानी आएन, हुदा हुदा दुई महिना बिते, सुबोध अझै आएन। सुरुसुरु को दिनहरु त किन हतार गरेको मैले, मेरै मालिक त  हो नि भनेर फुलीले आफूलाई सम्झाई। दुई महिना बितेर उसमाथि धूलो जम्न थालेपछि भने फुली निक्कै आत्तीई। नकोरिएकी डाएरीहरुले कति आपहेलाना सहनुपर्छ डाएरीको समाजमा थाहा छ उसलाई। डाएरीको जादुई दुनियामा यस्तो कुरा लुकाएर पनि लुक्दैनन।
फुली लाई अब आफै माथि शंका लाग्न थाल्यो। सुबोधले सुरुमा पेमालाई रोजेको थियो, आफ्नो आमाले गर्दा मात्र फुली मा सहमत भएको। पेमालाई भन्थियो कि उसले आफ्नो कुराहरु, मलाई मात्र नभनेको हो कि भन्ने पनि लाग्यो। अनि फुली लाई याद आयो , अर्को हप्ता बाट बल्ल सुबोधको बिध्यालय बिदा सकिदैछ भनेर। अँ त है, सुबोध दिनभर घरमै खेलेर बस्छ, अईले के नै छ होला र सुबोधको तेस्तो मलाई भन्नुपर्ने कुरा, कसैलाई सुनाउन नमिल्ने भावना। अलिकति आशा जाग्यो फुली को मनमा। नभन्दै सुबोधको बिध्यालय खुलेको दिन सुबोधले फुलीलाई उठायो र आफूसंगै बिध्यालय लिएर गयो। आफूले आफैलाई गाली गरी फुलीले । हो त रैछ नि , अब त टन्न कुरा भनिहल्छ नि सुबोधले मलाई।
झोलाबाटै अरु झोलामा भएका डाएरीहरु संग कुरा गरि फुलीले। ऊ नकोरिएकी भनेर कसैले गिज्याएनन उसलाई, शायद सबलाई थाहा होला ऊ अब छिटै कोरिदैछे भनेर। तर अँह बिध्यालय खुलेको महिना दिन बित्दापनि सुबोधले केहि भनेन फुलीलाई। फुली अन्य डाएरीहरु संग बोल्नै छाडी, जिस्काउलन भन्ने डरले। मालिक पाएको चार महिनामा पनि फुलीलाई आफ्नो मालिकको कुनै भावना, कुनै गुनासो, कुनै अरुलाई थाहा नभएको कुरा थाहा भएन। मनमनै धिक्कारी फुलीले आफुलाई। कैले त रिष पनि उठ्यो सुबोध देखि, उस्लाई डाएरीमा कोर्नु नै थिएन भने किन लग्यो त फुलीलाई, डाएरीको मतलब त थाहा छ उसलाई, त्यो पसलमै बसेकी भए अरु कुनै नया मालिकले लग्थ्यो फुलीलाई, ऊ पछि उसका कति बहिनीहरुले नया मालिक पाइसकेका थिए, आ-आफ्नो मालिकको कुरा सुनेर उनिहरुलाई खुशी  बनाई सकेका थिए।
एक दिन सुबोधकी आमाले फुलीलाई खोल्नु भयो। फुलीलाई  खाली देखेर सुबोधलाई सोध्नुभयो। बल्ल पो रहस्य पत्ता लाग्यो फुलीलाई। सुबोधलाई त डाएरी कोर्नको लागि चहिएको होइन रैछ, उसको सबै साथीहरु संग डाएरी भएकोले पो चहिएको रैछ। आमा हास्नुभयो, यो डाएरीमा सुबोध भनेर नाम नलेखेको भए अर्को महिना सुशिलको ब्रतबन्धमा उपहार दिन त हुन्थियो भन्दै फुलीलाई दाराजको माथिको खण्डमा राखी दिनुभयो। फुली अहिले भएको ठाउमा त सुबोधको हात पनि पुग्दैन। फुलीमा धुलो जम्दैन आजकल, सुबोधलाई  पछि कुनै दिन उसमा कोर्न मन लाग्ला कि भनेर फुली अझै झिनो आशा लिएर बाची रहेकिछ।

Are you going crazy?

There are days you doubt everything around you, including your own sanity; second guessing every decision that has led you up to this point in life. If that is how you are feeling, you can certainly relate. Naturally you try placing your blames on somebody but deep down you know you are responsible for your own actions. And then comes the sensation that you are never going to get through this pitfall. Confusion engulfs you, you are unable to make the simplest decision. The smallest of inconveniences sets you off, you forget the words you are trying to speak, you just want to let go, scream it out, cry it out. If somebody would at this exact moment ask what you are doing, you would answer that you are contemplating your life and the universe and the supposed inter-connectivity between the two. Because what if not the cruel irony of the universe has led you to this point. You make so many mistakes you brand yourself a klutz, of course your mind is not into it. You doubt your heart, I do not feel that way now, did I ever, clearly your heart has changed its desire. You scold yourself for behaving like an irresponsible child. You know this is irreversible, there is no going back, no undoing it, you cannot go back to your past self, smack her in the head and try and talk some sense into it. 

Clearly they have not invented time travel up till my lifespan, today would be a good day for the future me to show up and assure me how it all worked out in the end after all. Considering that she did not show up during my great dilemma I am safely going to state that no such miracle is going to happen anytime soon. You have absolutely no idea what you want, comfort foods fail to lure you. Your favorite past time would drive you mad right now. Of course you cannot go around complain about the way you feel right now, because you are not sure how to describe it in a word, people would probably say you have taken leave of your senses. Yup,sound about right. maybe you have taken leave of your senses, but then you have enough sense to state how this mess is making you feel, in fact you are pretty sure you are uncomfortable. This is the surest you feel. You may have doubts about every other thing but you are tremendously clear that you are not comfortable. 

The other reason you cannot let any other living soul know you feel this way is because you would come across as an ungrateful little brat. Right now you have something that other people have prayed for and still not attained. maybe you yourself had wished for this to happen to you at some point. And now that it has, you are not sure this was best for you after all. God damn human nature. As my friend would say... F U human nature. Of course I am not one for swearing or being happy for that matter or satisfied. Yes that is the word, Unsatisfied. That is exactly what I am. By this time you probably have another line of thought going on inside your mind.. A continuous unanswered question... What am I going to do.... Of course the question has its variations... What the &*^% am I going to do myself... Why God why... what why what.. and you know yours...

Clearly I do not have an answer to that because I would not be here ranting my heart away if I did. Well actually I do feel a little better, maybe you could try ranting away too.

A Doll House

I don't remember the exact moment I wanted one, or when I stopped wanting one, but for a few months leading up to my 11th Birthday, I desperately wanted a doll house. Looking back at my life, 12 birthdays later, I can safely say that that doll house was the only demand my parents could not fulfill. I could blame my obsessive desire for a doll house on my expensive school which was full of rich kids. While we were never poor, and I never lacked anything and I knew I could not have everything my rich friends talked about, a doll house just had this impact on me.

So I had this friend who used to invite us to her house every weekend. An oven was an luxury item then, and a bread topped with melted cheese was the most delicious thing you could ever eat. So we went to her house every weekend, to eat the bread pizza and to play with her pink Barbie doll house. I had many dolls and stuffed toys of my own but never a Barbie. I thought dolls are dolls, and Barbie looks like just the other Chinese dolls you can get so cheaply. But it was like one of those cases in which when you have the taste of something newer, something better, something expensive, you can never look at the old cheaper thing again in the same light, you are bound to make a comparison and crave for the better newer thing. So it is only understandable that I would want to own better stuffs, not just a branded doll, but the whole Doll House, to play with whenever I wanted, to call them my own and may be even invite my friends over to play with.

I do not remember asking my parents for it, I do not remember if they told me or if my grandmother conveyed it to me, I just remember what happened next. My parents went looking to buy one for me, without knowing the price, without realizing how big it was, and after learning the truth about it, concluded that we could not afford it. I do not remember how I felt about it, probably heartbroken then. I remember in a desperate moment of longing asking one of my friends to give me their doll house as a birthday present and I remember a few weeks later her telling me that her doll house had gotten stolen so she could not give it to me or she would. Of course looking back at it, it embarrasses me now. And now I realise what an absolute waste of time and money that would have been. 

Instead my mother brought me books and lots of them. I remember that I owned the best story books and I was the object of everybody's envy when it came to books. I developed a habit of reading at an early age and in many ways I am glad I did. I topped all my English exams, I won certificates in every essay and story writing competitions and looking back I wonder if things would have been different if I had one doll house to play with.